People often say after you have a baby you are in a fog.
I feel like I’ve been living in London for the past year.
After giving birth, there was a fog that covered everything, and slowly- so. slowly.– I have emerged from that fog.
It happened as my life slowly returned to normal, and I slowly returned to myself.
At the beginning, the fog was very tangible- my body felt mushy, my brain felt mushier, and my emotions even mushier.
Then, I started to work my way through the mush, back to me. As all of the physical changes started to even themselves out, there were the other gradual changes of returning to life as normal:
- when we moved the diaper changing station from my dresser to the changing table in Eve’s room
- when we moved Eve from the co-sleeper to her own crib
- when I returned to work
- when I was no longer nursing 3-4 times a day and pumping 4 times a day
- when I was no longer nursing or pumping at all
- when the initial anxiety lifted
- when the initial depression lifted
- when I started fitting in my regular clothes again
- when Nick and I were able to be intimate again
- when Nick and I actually liked each other enough to be intimate again
- when I had the energy to read the Bible and pray again
- when I had the stamina to exercise again
- when I had to motivation to get things done again
- when I was no longer eating dinner after 10pm
- when I had the ability to be thoughtful to my friends and/or pray for them again
And the list goes on.
It is only each time I emerge through another layer of fog that I realize the fog I was in, and with each layer I feel more like myself.
The most recent layer of fog was breastfeeding. Now that Eve is fully weaned I am getting my old energy and motivation back. I am able to do things I used to do, like exercise, complete multiple tasks after dinner each evening, and wake up earlier. In my head I thought that maybe I was just using breastfeeding as an excuse to be lazy and not do things that needed to be done- but holy smokes, do I realize a difference now that Eve is weaned.
I’m still wondering if my brain will ever return to normal. So far I feel like a spacier version of my old self that can no longer hold complex thoughts in my head. Maybe that’ll be the last layer of fog to lift. Or maybe my brain will never return to its previous brilliance.
Regardless, I finally feel like I’m myself again. So, I’m relieved to announce after an arduous and beautiful journey of pregnancy and my first year as a mom-