The Pregnancy Conspiracy

Pregnancy is insane.


I can’t decide if women have a secret conspiracy not to share how insane it really is, or if every other woman on the planet is just way tougher than I am.

I knew that some people got “morning sickness”, that some feel really tired, and that the third trimester would probably feel pretty uncomfortable. But that’s just the (very small) tip of the (very large) iceberg.

First of all, nine months is three-fourths of a year. Seriously- it’s an eternity. And during this time, guess what, no drinking wine.

Let me repeat that- no wine (and limited coffee) for nine months.

In addition, you are constantly relieved that one symptom is diminishing only to find another equally obnoxious symptom replacing it. Below I’ve listed the several symptoms I have experienced in the past seven months (that’s right, I still have two long months to go). Be forewarned, the list is a completely candid- some may say graphic- one.

  • sore breasts- never in my life have I wanted to wear a bra, until this happened and I couldn’t move an inch without it feeling like they had just been smashed or brutally beaten
  • “morning” (what I like to call “all-day-and-all-night”) sickness- no one knows you’re pregnant yet, and you’re still expected to work, and clean, and do all the things you usually do while constantly feeling nauseous
  • extreme fatigue- during my first trimester I remember arriving to work where I have a staircase to climb to get to my office and stopping at the bottom to brainstorm what possible other ways I could get to my office without actually having to climb the stairs…waiting for a piggyback ride from a coworker…. Or I would be on the couch watching TV and think…I would like another drink of my tea, but the effort it would take to lean forward and lift the mug just isn’t worth it
  • insatiable hunger- people looked at me like I was crazy when I complained about this, but this was the worst. This wasn’t just “I could go for a sandwich right now,” This was one minute I’m fine, and the next minute I am so hungry I feel like I haven’t eaten in three days and the pain in my stomach makes me feel like I’ll throw up if I actually do eat but I’ll pass out if I don’t- AND, this was incessant, I would eat and then 15-30 minutes later I’d feel insanely hungry again. During this time I had to get up in the night and eat entire meals, I couldn’t ever sleep in in the mornings because the moment I awoke I was crazy with hunger, I struggled to focus at work because 20-30 minutes into a session my stomach was screaming for food again. I almost cried when Nick brought me the wrong food, twice. Awful. It was awful.
  • UTI- I’ve never had a UTI until now. This means I had my overactive bladder, was pregnant, and had a UTI all at once- you can imagine how often I made trips to the bathroom. Oh, and it was super painful.
  • little control of bodily functions- In all the rest of my years combined I have not passed gas in public as often as I have in the last seven months. Most bladder control in the third trimester has also going by the wayside
  • hemorrhoids- enough said
  • acid reflux- for the past several weeks I have been unable to lie down (or even recline a little) without it feeling like acid was burning a hole in my throat, burping incessantly, and/or throwing up a little in my mouth
  • it becomes hard to sleep because my hips go numb after being on one side too long
  • the adorable baby inside me has started pushing on my lower ribs and the top of my pelvic bone most of the day, and also makes it somewhat more difficult to breathe at times
  • and of course, the eventual presence of a belly big enough to make getting dressed comparable to competing in an Olympic sport

And yet I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the other insane aspects of pregnancy:

  • feeling the baby move- what a crazy amazing feeling, there are no words for how beautiful this is
  • Nick feeling the baby move for the first time
  • Nick’s amazement about my tummy growing- which has elicited such phrases from him as “honey, I think you’re growing all over,” “oh man, I really do think you’re growing every day,” “you’re stomach is just so big!” and my personal favorite, “you should be a pregnant model” 🙂
  • the ever more clear reality that there is in fact a human being growing inside me…. WHAT?!

2 thoughts on “The Pregnancy Conspiracy

  1. I really thought your blog about the “joys” of pregnancy was hysterical!! Only two months to go!! I love you freckle! 😍💝

  2. A. That your mom calls you Freckle is spectacular.
    B. I’m sorry that pregnancy is so hard. But I also think that GROWING A HUMAN is pretty unimaginable, so hard seems logical.
    C. Next time- adoption? 😉

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