Yep, I’m that girl.
I never thought I would be. But I totally am.
Kinda like I never thought I’d be that wife that hates being apart from her husband- ever. But I totally am.
But I do. I say things like “good morning baby” and “how’d you sleep baby?” and “mamma’s really tired today baby.”
And then I realize that I just referred to myself as ‘mamma.’ A mom. A mother.
That thing my mom is.
How strange to have this relationship with my child start while s/he is still in the womb. How strange to have these conversations and know that even if my babe doesn’t understand me, s/he senses my emotions and my love (at least that’s what the books say, and that’s what I choose to believe).
And lately I’ve been thinking about how scary it is to love someone so much.
I think of the ways my life has changed since marriage- more complicated, definitely more messy, more uncontrollable. Those parts are hard.
I just want Nick to think I’m awesome and to agree with me on everything.
I want my kid to think I’m awesome and always agree with me too.
Something tells me that won’t happen.
And life with Nick is harder in some ways, but it’s also much, much more full. Full of love and connection and challenges and growth (much needed, heart wrenching, soul stretching, growth on my part).
And it is scary…
But I’m also looking forward to the ways my baby will change my world- will change me.