Sleeping Angry

It’s the night before our trip to Michigan. We have to get up around 5:30 tomorrow and we just got back from a glorious fire pit with our small group. By the time we finish our last minute packing and have lunches made for the road it is 11:30 (way past my bedtime). Nick crawls in bed with me, we turn out the light, and I roll into him.

Then he grabs his phone.

“Are you serious? What are you doing?

He tells me he is checking the weather.

The second time I ask he is checking facebook.

I personally have wanted a no electronics in bed rule, but I cannot get him to agree.

I am furious.

I try to go to sleep, but who can sleep with that HUGE light emanating from his phone!?

I toss and turn and try to make it obvious he is keeping me awake (read, childish). I do my deep breathing and put my arm over my eyes to shield them from the light (read, dramatic). I turn away from him and make sure our bodies are not touching at all (read, punishing him).

And while I’m doing all this there is a still, small voice in my head telling me that it isn’t actually Nick that is keeping me awake. It’s my anger.

If I could let go of my anger, I would sleep just fine.

Instead, I spend all night tossing and turning and getting up to use the bathroom.

I remember the same thing in high school. My sisters would get home from a late game or they would be arguing with my parents late at night and I would be furious. They’re so loud! Don’t they know I have an algebra test and basketball game tomorrow?! I need my sleep people!

And even back then I think I knew that it was my anger rather than Jenni or Juli that was keeping me awake on a school night.

So many times I struggle to let go of my anger.

So many times it hurts me worse than anyone else.

The moment that I choose to forgive. To think more of the other person than of myself. To let go of assumptions that the other is doing it on purpose. That is the moment I can sleep.

That is the moment I find peace.

 

To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. -CS Lewis

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