For Ann

By Ben Wilson

My Life Would Suck Without You

‘Cause we belong together now yeah

Forever united here somehow yeah

You got a piece of me

And honestly,

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

~Kelly Clarkson

How do I love thee, Ann? Let me count the ways. Let’s see…what did draw us together? I’ll go with SIN. Dingdingding. That’s a winner. We rolled into your town after toking most of the way from New Orleans. And there you were sashaying your hot self out of the front door of the QuikChek. Woohoo!! In that ‘chance’ meeting, that wouldn’t have happened 30 seconds sooner or 30 seconds later, began our lives together.

Being with you 531024_3634892273461_1653136153_n

Is so dysfunctional

I really shouldn’t miss you

But I can’t let you gooh yeah…

Our early relationship started with all the usual ingredients of a great marriage: copious amounts of alcohol, clinging codependency, lots of sex before marriage, plenty of avoidance of real issues, plenty of fights about peripheral issues, pregnancy before marriage, money problems, depression, suicidal ideation, workaholism and infidelity. It was awesome! Not. But it was in so many ways.

Eventually, after 13 years the wheels of living slammed us to the blacktop and kathumped, kathumped, kathumped us to a searing pain raising a white steamy mist from the pavement. And it was then that I really began to see the beautiful wonders in your heart. Well, you know, after I got over wanting to kill you.

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye19398_594084457283947_823564313_n

Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight

I know that I’ve got issues

But you’re pretty messed up too,

Either way I found out I’m nothing without you

How do I love thee, Ann? I’m aware of my love for you the most when I see God’s light shine through you. I saw it this morning as I basked in the glow of your worship of God. Seeing your eyes closed, and your heart locked with your creator, sealed by gratitude, humbles and softens my own heart. I can only hope to one day know your Lord and Savior with the uninhibited abandon in which you launch your self like a missile, into the loving circle of the trinity. I’m in awe of your worship and in turn more in awe of our God.

Also, my heart is moved to tears almost every time I hear you pray. You know grace. And that grace floats to my soul, filling me with awe at the tenderness in your soul. Your prayers for others fill me with gratitude. I’m grateful to be your husband always. I’m especially stunned at my good fortune in being your man when you offer your heart from and to the throne of grace and say, “Heavenly Father…” In those moments my chest is filled with the Milky Way Galaxy.

I’m sure glad I didn’t kill you. And I’m sure glad you didn’t kill you. When I experience that galaxy inside me I know that I know that I know that my life would suck without you, Ann Wilson.

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