Nick and I spent 6 glorious days in Jamaica for our Honeymoon (where I gained what I lovingly refer to as my “honeymoon weight” from endless buffets). We did an all-inclusive resort where we didn’t have to worry about paying for or planning any meals, drinks, or entertainment. This was a great choice, as it allowed us to rest and, I suspect, significantly decreased opportunities for us to pick fights with one another:)
But, as with all good things, the honeymoon does come to an end. This one was a little rough. Nick and I spent all day Friday flying from Montego Bay to Grand Rapids. We stayed the night with my sister, then got up and drove all day Saturday back to Missouri. Nick was sick (food poisoning?) Friday and Saturday, and I got sick Saturday night and remained sick through Monday. On Monday morning (at 5am) Nick left with our church youth to go to a Mission Trip in Chicago. I called in sick to work, and bounced between laying on the couch and unpacking.
Tuesday I got up alone and drove to work. I realized throughout the day how much of a difference it makes knowing I will see Nick after work. Eating dinner alone felt so lonely, even though I did that for a couple years living alone. How strange that something that has been my norm has so quickly become my abnormal.
There’s so much that I used to do alone, and just starting to have a companion makes doing it alone so much harder. It has been one thing that has really surprised me. I thought that my independence and courage was innate, but maybe it was just survival. I mean, I’m more afraid to be home alone at night than I used to be. I feel more lonely when I’m alone. I hate sleeping alone (though I started hating that years ago, while still single).
I’m not sure if all this is good or bad. Part of me thinks I’m losing my strength and courage. Another part of me thinks it’s okay to rest in Nick’s strength, or to enjoy feeling safe or being with someone else. And I don’t think that resting in Nick’s strength means I have less of my own, but maybe it’s okay that I feel a little more scared when I’m alone at night or that I enjoy a warm body next to me in bed…
The honeymoon is over, but our lives together are just beginning. I know marriage has, and will continue to, change me…but singleness changed me too. We learn new things in all new stages of life. Marriage just happens to be the one that’s new right now.