We’re 26 Days into The Woman Project, and there is a gap in the schedule as life happens and we are at times unable to fulfill our commitments. So, you’re stuck with me for today’s insight into the life of one woman.
I encouraged my writers for The Woman Project to write about anything personal- to share parts of their story.
As I sit on my couch mentally and emotionally exhausted from a day of meeting with people so depressed they can’t look me in the eye, I want to do anything but.
I don’t really want to share anything personal, because personal is emotional and emotional is tiring. I am tired.
I’m tired from a lot of things- including a stressful job, wedding planning, and a busy schedule- but also from the emotional drain of trying to wrap my mind around the idea of spending the rest of my life with another human being. I don’t like the idea of writing about this process, but my fabulous Greek music teacher from elementary school used to always say: “you don’t have to like it, but you have to do it.”
So I will.
I feel like everyone dates, gets engaged, and gets married like it’s such a logical progression (I think I’ve said this maybe a million times before). But it doesn’t feel logical for me. I’ve been single and doing my own thing for so long. Marriage is so different. Just dating, and now being engaged, is different.
Suddenly my plans aren’t just my plans- they’re our plans. My future isn’t my future- it’s our future. My apartment won’t be my apartment- it’ll be our apartment.
But it’s not that trite- it’s not just a matter of sharing things or sharing plans. It’s the idea that for the rest of my life my identity, which I very much still believe will be independent and autonomous in some ways, will also be a part of a greater whole in others.
And just as I have learned that in order to stay healthy myself I must be aware and expressive of my emotions, communicative of my needs, and intentional about relationships- I’m going to have to be aware of the emotions, needs, and relational health of our marriage.
So, as I approach my wedding day in a few months (everyone keeps asking me for a countdown; I don’t keep track), I’m constantly faced with new and challenging questions:
- If I do this for Nick am I being kind, or controlling?
- Should I be honest about my feelings, or are there some things that he doesn’t need to know?
- If I cry about this situation am I being too sensitive (or manipulative), or sharing my true self?
- Should I offer to fold his laundry, or is that setting a bad precedent?
- How important is it that we agree on every theological point?
- Should I spend the evening with Nick or with my girlfriends?
- Will I be able to stomach watching a basketball with a Laker’s fan?
The list goes on.
I’m already an analyzer and an over-thinker, but preparing for this marriage thing is just completely thought consuming to me at times.
I appreciate the fact that my friend Sasha keeps saying (every time I talk to her on the phone) “it’s so weird you’re getting married…I just can’t believe it…it’s so strange.”
It is so strange, exciting, but strange.
And that’s my personal reality right now.
I am currently living in Warrensburg and working as an outpatient therapist for Pathways Community Health (where my caseload after just 2 months has quickly increased to 30 clients and counting). I am blessed with an amazing my family and numerous friends whose love and support are invaluable. I love to play basketball, go hiking, kayaking, or rock climbing, read by a fire, or drink coffee with friends. And I love snow.