Redemption of a Heart
Have you ever told yourself that everything is fine and nothing is wrong? I know I have. I have pretended life was great and nothing hurt me. I lied to myself so long that I believed this to be true. I had walls around me to protect me that were lies and were actually hurting me. My story and heart felt full of darkness.
The first time I shared my story my heart was racing and everything in my mind screamed, “DON’T TELL! IT ISN’T SAFE!” You don’t know if they can be trusted with your heart. You don’t know if they will go gossip about you. You don’t know what will happen. Other people might hate and judge you.
God whispered to my heart… “Share your heart. Tell others what is inside. You are not alone my beloved. You are safe hidden in my love.”
God began to crack those walls around my heart and slowly began sharing the hurts inside with a few trusted people, including a counselor. Cracking those barriers around my heart hurt so much but in a good way. For the first time I was dealing with hurts of my past. I began to tell others my story.
I found grace and acceptance and LOVE in telling my story. I found I was not alone. Others were hurting like me and just needed to hear that they were not alone either. I found that telling my story encouraged others. I found that I was able to connect with others around me by sharing pieces of my heart.
Telling the secrets I kept deep inside me, gave me freedom. Sharing tears with others let others see the real me. Sharing fun and great things that happened with laughter let others see the real me. God brought redemption to what I kept hidden deep inside. God was shown to me through telling my story.
Yet somehow I managed to forget what God has done in my life. I managed to go back to hiding who I am from God, myself, and important people in my life. I found myself crying myself to sleep every night. Soon I was even crying at work. Everything was out of control. I was full of fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt like God had abandoned me. Hiding my heart from those around me put walls up around me.
It was hard to admit to myself that I had been hiding again. It was even harder to admit I needed help from others. So I began reaching out to those I knew were safe to trust with my heart. I went to the doctor and asked for medical help. I went to several dear friends and a counselor to ask for help. I began opening up and digging deep within myself. It is not easy. My anxiety still screams within me, “DON’T TELL, IT IS NOT SAFE!” I was so anxious telling part of my feelings I got physically sick. I have a trusted friend who pointed out my sin to me. Not sharing my heart is a sin of lying. Lying to myself about what I was feeling. Lying to loved ones about what I was feeling. Lying to God about what was going on deep inside of me.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)
I have started tearing down the walls around me and examining what is inside of me. I began by being honest about current hurts, fears, and sin within my life. I have shared and poured out my feelings to God and loved ones. I am continuing to struggle and heal and grow through the pain within my heart. I am finding ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, AND GRACE. God is whispering to me, “I love you. I will never stop loving you. I am always with you.” When I have grown and changed the most in my life has been when I have shared openly and honestly with others. Telling my story allows God’s redemption to shine into the darkness of my own heart.
Katie has been married to Matt almost thirteen years. She has taught preschool for thirteen years. She is involved with the Care Ministries at First Baptist Church of Warrensburg. Within the Care Ministries she helps facilitate Delta. Delta is a recovery group that provides hope and healing for anyone seeking a new direction in life, especially with addictions.
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