I’ve recently lost a bit of weight. I like it, I think I look better. I feel better. This isn’t the confession.
The thing is that when I’m sad or stressed I lose weight. Still not the confession.
And when I’m at my lower weight I have this internal struggle that says (confession): gee, I’d like to start feeling happier and less stressed, but then I might gain that weight back.
Do you hear what I’m saying?: I’d rather be sad and skinny than happy and fat (not even fat, just fat-ter)?
Yuck. Who am I?
I guess I’ve bought into the message I’m constantly trying to convince other women is a lie- our worth as women is determined by our looks.
I have to say that another of my struggles as a woman is figuring how much of this I’m responsible for and how much I can pawn off on other people. As is usually the case with emotional baggage- the answer is probably somewhere in-between.
In order to own my part in my negative body image, I’m toying with the idea of doing something body-image related for my New Year’s Resolution this year. I’m not really into New Year’s Resolutions- particularly because follow though is very important to me, and people rarely follow through with their resolutions- but I’m thinking this year I could make an exception.
Maybe I’ll do something like try to eliminate my negative self-talk and replace it with truth statements.
I think sometimes people can take the whole thought-stopping, thought replacement thing a little too far- like when they assume they can fix their lives that way rather than doing the particularly hard work of grieving past losses or owning past sins- but there is some value in it.
My negative self-talk lately is spectacularly hostile lately- not so much do to my body image as my self-esteem. Being unemployed for half of 2011 has taking a particularly hideous toll on my self-confidence.
Anyways, I’m thinking about it.
Like I said, I’m not crazy about New Year’s Resolutions.