So I’m driving back from visiting my sister’s family in Battle Creek last week and Came to My Rescue by Hillsong comes on my i-pod. While I’m listening, the line, “My whole life /I place in your hands” stands out to me.
I pray this a lot lately. God take over my life, show me the way, I place my life in your hands.
But what does it mean to place my life in God’s hands, literally, tangibly?
Sure, there are the obvious things- If you’re given the option to steal from your boss or put the money back, you put the money back. Given the option to lie to a friend or tell her the truth, you tell her the truth. Given the option to have sex with your boyfriend or go home frustrated, you go home frustrated.
But what about those little- and big- every day decisions? Move to New York or Minneapolis? Break up or stay together? Go back to school or get a job? Fly home for the weekend or save money? Buy the reasonable sedan or the swanky SUV (not that I have the luxury of pondering this question;)?
I’m sure a lot could be said about this, but before you jump in and give me advice, here’s one thing that I think I’m learning- trusting God is deeply personal. As trust looks different in various marriages, so it does in our faith.
Though I’m not married, I’ve noticed from meeting with couples and from married friends and family that each couple’s “trust” looks different. Some couples choose not to ride in a car alone with members of the opposite sex while others do. Some couples have specific facebook “rules” while others may not. These are all couples I respect and who I believe have established firm trust in one another, but it looks different for each.
When I did a breakout at the FBC women’s retreat a few weeks ago, we talked about what it looks like to trust God. I was blown away by the wisdom, grace, and diversity in the women’s explanations of what it looks like for them each, personally, to trust God at this moment in their lives.
But we make mistakes when we think we’re placing our lives in God’s hands just as we make mistakes in marriages. Even with the best of intentions, all marriages experience some break in trust at some point in time. Similarly with trusting God. I may think I’m trusting God, but later I look back at that period in my life and realize that I was really just trying to control a situation out of fear or doubt or just plain old habit.
So, I’m on this journey, and I’m in this relationship with Christ, and I’m trying to place my life in His hands, but I struggle a lot with knowing whether to trust my head or my heart, knowing whether I’m over-thinking or over-emoting, and distinguishing between God’s leading and my flesh.
It never seems quite as clear to me as others make it out to be.
Sometimes I get furious at the ways that everything is so confusing and seemingly hopeless. Other times I allow myself to rest in the knowledge that whether or not I do a good job at trusting my life in God hands, He always holds me there.