At a Women’s Retreat meeting I attended in Warrensburg before I left Ann asked where we were on our road trip (the theme this year is- that’s right- “Road Trip”).
I said I was at that point on the road in the middle of winter, Michigan, where I’m just about to cross a bridge (or overpass which can be equally icy) and I’m not sure if it will be icy or not.
In Michigan, it doesn’t even have to be snowing or icy for a bridge or overpass to be covered in black ice. Moisture from the air or the lake can turn a seemingly safe road into an icy death trap. I’ve traveled several road trips clenching my fists on the wheel and letting my foot off the gas every time I see a “Bridge May Be Icy” sign.
Except I’m past that point now.
When I was still in Warrensburg I didn’t know what this time would be like- this break between jobs and move back home.
But now I’m in it, and it’s icy.
It’s not only icy, it’s also a longer bridge than I wanted to to be. You could say it’s the Big Mac, because that beautiful bridge that divides the magnificent Lakes Huron and Michigan is five miles long.
I hate not knowing my future. I will say it again- I hate it. And let me tell you that every person who tells me to just relax, and trust God, and enjoy my time here, makes me want to explode. Uh, thank you, I’m fully aware that I’m lucky to have time in Charlevoix the beautiful, and time with my niece and nephew, and time to reflect. Do you think I don’t appreciate these things? Do you think I don’t enjoy the sunset or pause to smell the pine and the cedar when I’m walking the family dog? Do you think it’s even possible not to treasure every single second I have with Jonah and Ilah? I do, and I love it all!
But it’s as bittersweet as I thought it’d be and more.
I love all those things, but I also hate the GIGANTIC pause button I’ve just pushed in my life.
I’m sorry, but for me it’s not easy to be unemployed. It’s not easy to wake up and know that I have nothing to do today except job search and work on my licensure. It’s not easy to not know whether the next job I have will suck or be okay. It’s not easy to mooch off of my parents and have someone else buying my groceries. It’s not easy to see everyone around me making progress in their jobs, their families, their new house, their adorable puppies as I get ready to wait tables for the evening like I’ve done since high school.
I know I sound bitter, and that’s not how I want to come across. I just want to be honest about how it feels to be here. Every day I wake up and make a conscious effort to put my trust in the One who I know will provide. But that doesn’t magically make my anxiety, fear, or frustration go away. I wish it did and I wish I was one of those “just give it to God” people, but it doesn’t and I’m not.
I know I’m still on the bridge, and it’s still leading to land. I know that I am surrounded by beauty and lakes and hope and friends to travel this journey with me. I know that God holds me in his ever-capable hands and has something great waiting for me on the other side. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not anxious to get off the bridge.