I wanted to title this post “Cleopatra” or “Wonder Woman” at the Crossroads. But I thought, I’ll never become a great woman if I only try to be like other great women. I have to possess strength, courage, and beauty- thought, and action, and creativity- of my own. I have to be secure in who I am.
But most of the time I’m not secure. Most of the time I’m scared.
Once again I’m at a place in my life that involves decision making and change, and with change comes loss. No matter what I choose, no matter where I go, I will lose something- relationships, dreams, comfort.
I’m tired of it. I don’t want start over again, don’t want to feel the vulnerability that comes in being alone again.
I often think of the Bible verses that talk about making the most of what God has given us. What is the best use of my God-given strengths and talents? Do I pursue a doctorate? Do I focus on “settling down” and raising a family? Do I try to do both?
It all comes back to the same thing. Do I trust God enough to take a step, to make a choice?
I have to, because I cannot stay where I am. As much as I fear the unknown, I know in my heart it’s time to move on. In the questions I know He’s faithful. He’s always been faithful, but His faithfulness hasn’t always meant painlessness- it’s just meant that he hasn’t left me alone in the pain.
I want to wrap this post up in a big bow that looks something like, “but I know it will all work out, and things will be lovely, and I will be happy.” But that would be dishonest.