Today I am sad. Many days I am sad. I can’t imagine this was the plan you had for my life. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong.
I feel upset with you, because life is so hard. I never thought life would be like this. I thought I would graduate high school and go to college and then life would start and everything would fall into place. I would graduate college, start a family, have a stable career, and live the rest of my life in peace and comfort with the knowledge that I was glorifying you in my life and my choices. There would be challenges and obstacles, but the good would outweigh the bad.
It hasn’t been like that. Each year brings new struggles. Each day new temptations. The further I go, the more hurt I experience. The more I learn about you and your love, the more I realize how much I fall short. The more I grow up, the more foolish I realize I am. The more decisions I face, the more confused and unsure I become.
I’m having a hard time trusting you. I know that you hold all things in your hands, you have a plan for me, you desire good things for me- but that doesn’t mean you spare me the pain. You have even said “in this world you will have trouble.” How can I trust you if you don’t save me from that trouble? I’m tired and I’m scared of dealing with all the “trouble” in this world.
Jesus, you know how I feel. You knew that you would have to suffer and that God would not take that suffering away- but you asked Him anyway. You asked God to take it away if He could. I’m praying that now. Take it away. Take away my spirit of fear, my anxiety, my sadness, my loneliness, and all the confusion.
Even as I write this, I know it’s not you who needs to change, but me. I know I must be missing something to feel as I do- but I don’t know what. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for wisdom, direction, discernment. Where is the answer to that prayer? I know all the clichés- that you always answer prayer, that sometimes ‘no’ is the answer, that sometimes we don’t recognize the answer- but is it so much to ask for the answer to be reflective in my life? For you to reveal to me what I need to do to fight this horrible cloud that hangs over my head? For the good to start to outweigh the bad?
I know you love me. I know you love me. But I am hurt, and I don’t know how to handle it, and I can’t seem to find you in this storm, and it only seems to get worse…or at least it feels that way today.
Jesus, intercede on my behalf; you have experienced the loneliness and rejection I feel.