A Beautiful Pain

I love this song. It feels like the theme song to my life.

However, I typically skip it on my ipod, because on even the best days it can make me cry. I only listen to it on days when the tears are already coming and I’m allowing myself to “feel it.”

I love the line, “I would tell you I was happy if I wasn’t so damn sad,” because that’s how I feel so often- like people want me to tell them I’m happy, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I wish I was one of those people who wakes up in the morning and claps their hands and says “it’s going to be a great day,” one of those people who feel happy 99% of the time and don’t understand why some people feel so sad.

But I’m not.

Today I had lunch with a friend who asked if I thought maybe God gave me sadness in my life so that I could do what I do- so I could relate to people who are in pain. That makes total sense. I feel much more deeply when I am feeling depressed, and it allows me to genuinely meet my clients where they are- which is often in a lot of pain.

So often I try to figure out what I’m doing wrong to feel this way, but I have another friend who has reframed my depressive feelings as something that is a beautiful part of me. In our culture we so often want to label emotions as “good” or “bad.” Happiness, joy, love- these are good emotions. Anger, anxiety, sadness- these are bad emotions. But what if emotions are all good because they are part of us?

So though the sadness remains and the loneliness overwhelms, I choose to feel it and to acknowledge it as a good part of who I am. Maybe God did give me my pain so I could use it to meet others in theirs, and if that’s true, then what a beautiful pain it is.

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